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The person doing t'shuvah can
do all of their t'shuvah work,

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can do--

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complete master of t'shuvah
can get right with themselves,

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can get right with God, can go
to do all of the things that

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they need to do and be ready
to go apologize to God at Yom

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Kippur and all of that
stuff, even if they are never

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forgiven.

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So this notion that the
victim has to forgive them

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so that they can finish their
repentance work is false.

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There are all of these cultural
factors that are in play.

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And we live in a culture
that really, really

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loves forgiveness
and really loves

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to pressure the
victim into forgiving

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and that assumes that at the
moment the victim has forgiven,

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then everything is fine
and back to how it was.

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And nobody is holding the
harm-doer accountable.

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If the person coming
to you isn't really

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doing the repentance work, if it
seems like they're checking off

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the boxes, if they're like
apologizing but they really

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haven't owned what they're
doing, if somebody's saying

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you should forgive
but they haven't even

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begun the repentance
work, none of that,

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then there's definitely
no obligation to forgive.

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That's also part of it.

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And if someone is doing the
real, honest, thoughtful clear

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work of repentance, if they
are owning fully what they did,

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if they are trying to
change really meaningfully,

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if they are attempting
to do real amends,

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if they are coming to you
and doing everything they can

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to appease you,
right, to pacify,

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you to care for you
in a loving apology

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and if the apology
doesn't land, they're

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coming back and bringing
an accountability team,

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as Maimonides suggests,
so that they can make sure

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that apology is landing
or so that they can have

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some help making
sure that you're

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cared for in that
negotiation or whatever,

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right, if somebody
is really, really,

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really coming to you
with an open-hearted way

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and you're still having
trouble forgiving them,

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maybe you need to
check yourself.

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Are you stuck in a victim mode?

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Is it benefiting you
to lord this over them?

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Are you being
unnecessarily petty?

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What's going-- like,
um check yourself

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to see what's going on that
you can't find a way to, again,

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not find that warm, fuzzy place
but to just close the accounts.

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You've raised this caution
around never pressuring

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the victim to forgive,
which I think points

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to a potential problem,
which is that we don't always

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have between the perpetrator and
the victim a balance of power.

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Can you speak to potential
power differentials in this work

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of t'shuvah and, in
particular, forgiveness.

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So often what happens
is that harm is caused

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with an imbalance of power.

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Someone who has more power
in a situation causes harm,

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and then there is pressure
on the victim to forgive,

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which is often read in
our culture as a way of,

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kind of, allowing the
situation to end, right.

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Then we're done.

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The victim is forgiven.

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No more accountability
work is needed.

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We don't need to have
any more systemic change,

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or we don't need the perpetrator
to do any more inner work

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or come to a situation and
make different choices, right.

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And it becomes a way
of very often trying

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to reinscribe the
original power situation.

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As we approach
the Days of Awe, I

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find hope in the path of
repair that you illuminate

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and in the approach
that you teach,

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which is the path is
not insurmountable.

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The work is not infinite.

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Our job is to start where
we can, go as far as we can,

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and do our best in this work
of t'shuvah, do our best in all

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the areas we have
power to bring repair.

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Thank you for your teachings.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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L'shanah tovah.

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Shanah tovah.

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